Some bodies are admirers of the Dallas Cowboys. But many, abounding added bodies are NOT admirers of the Dallas Cowboys. This 2016 Deadspin NFL aggregation examination is for those in the closing group. Read all the previews so far here. And buy Drew’s new book here.
Your team: Dallas Cowboys
Your 2015 record: 4-12. Karma-wise, 4-12 is the ideal almanac for any aggregation that signs girlfriend- Greg Hardy and afresh aeroemism over backwards to awning for him as he jacks off at his locker to Gisele Bündchen, shows up backward to practice, drives abroad from media analysis in a white Ferrari, gets in accessible fights with the apprenticeship staff, and puts added accomplishment into his brainless eye atramentous than into hasty the passer. You would anticipate it’s absurd to abashment a aggregation endemic by Jerry Jones, but it assuredly happened aftermost year. I’m about aghast that they cut him loose. I was acquisitive (expecting) that they’d bifold bottomward and accomplish him player/defensive coordinator.
Outside of the Hardy fiasco, aftermost analysis was notable for the afterward things:
1. Tony Romo breaking his collarbone and afresh actuality rushed aback by Jerry Jones aloof in time to breach it AGAIN.
2. Acceptable a d because DeSean Jackson ran backwards.
3. Eli and Old Man Coughlin annihilation the alarm adjoin them in Anniversary 1.
4. This tweet:
(NOTE: Brandon Weeden was afterwards cut by Dallas, best up by Houston, and somehow started a playoff game. Correction: Brian Hoyer started that playoff game. That’s how abundant Weeden .)
Your coach: Princeton Boy! BORRRRRRING. Jason Garrett is the Reince Priebus to Jerry’s Donald Trump. Watch him sit by helplessly and try to retrofit his apprenticeship appearance to whatever administration demands. “Oh? Oh, you appetite a Wildcat ambition bandage amalgamation for Zeke Elliott? Able-bodied I anticipate the botheration with that is (SLAPPED VERY HARD) I’ll do it appropriate away, sir!”
This is a aggregation still bent amid the aberration of Jones and the about adherence of his son, who now runs the circadian operations. Brainstorm the cardinal of times that Garrett has had run to Stephen Jones afterwards accepting wind of Jerry’s abstraction to accept Chris Christie sit in on abhorrent bandage meetings. It has to be able-bodied into bifold digits by now. The old man is like a berserk hyena bound in a cage, abrading at lock and aloof DYING to get out so that he can demolition his own team, assignment for oil in your pool, and fuck your niece. Jerry’s become so afraid that he has to fuck with OTHER NFL teams in adjustment to get his ability fix. If his son won’t let him assurance Johnny Manziel, he’s gonna move the Rams to LA instead. I can’t accept this wildcatting shit-for-brains is the adumbration absolutist of the absolute league.
Your quarterback: Tony Romo… for one month! Yes, you get one ages of playoff aspirations afore this happens again:
With a addle aback and a collarbone that’s been reconstructed by Stark Industries, Tony Romo’s career is all but over. It should be a abomination to let him booty the acreage anytime again. Addition is gonna rip out his scapula and ache him in the face with it. I can’t buck to look. Get abroad from football, Tony. You’ve got a ancestors and a appropriate golf game. End this madness. Go retire to a activity of abysmal leisure afore addition tears your fucking arch off out there.
Once Romo hangs up his about applicable jersey for good, your advancement options are Kellen Moore, apparent actuality auditioning for the advance role in Simple Jack 2, and Mississippi State fable Dak Prescott, who was acquitted on DUI accuse aloof this week. Oh wow, a acclaimed academy amateur with acknowledged issues? He’ll fit appropriate in with this bandage of idiots.
What’s new that : Hey, Darren McFadden bankrupt his elbow! And you’ll never accept how! No really, you won’t accept it at all…
Actually, you CAN accomplish it up, abnormally if you were piss bashed aback you aching yourself. But don’t despair, Cowboys fans. Your aggregation drafted animal rocket sled and accessible woman-beater Ezekiel Elliott to run the brawl and spiritually ample the abandoned larboard by Hardy’s burglarize pile. AND you active Alfred Morris! Why assurance Alfred Morris? Attending man, you’re gonna be arena Rex Grossman from off the artery by Anniversary 8. You’ll charge all the backs you can get, and finer ones that are NOT supervillains and/or on the border of accepting slapped with a 783-game suspension.
Also, the Bifold J drafted a guy who aloof had his leg die seven months ago, and he did it aloof one year afterwards drafting Randy Gregory, who is already on the border of abrasion out of the league. What bargains. As always, the Cowboys are beneath notable for their absolute abstract choices than the players Jerry Jones capital to abstract but did not. This year’s Bifold J wet dream was QB Paxton Lynch. In an alternating dimension, Jerry drafts ALL the quarterbacks. A aggregation of fifty quarterbacks is unbeatable!
Tony Romo is 36, and added banged up, and it’s time to alpha cerebration about his replacement. …
And Sean Lee aching himself AGAIN. Can addition get this poor adulterated some retirement affidavit already? Actuality is an absolute banderole about Sean Lee from this offseason:
Cowboys linebacker Sean Lee’s dream is to comedy all 16 amateur for Super Bowl contender
Jesus, what a sad dream. “Inspiring! NFL Amateur Dreams Of Not Dying!”
What has consistently sucked: Fuck this organization. Best of their admirers STILL don’t alive in Texas.
Everything you apperceive that is bad about avant-garde sports—from antibacterial acknowledgment stands to abhorrent amphitheater boondoggles—comes from Jerry Jones’s cardinal eyes of demography an NFL authorization and application it as a crowbar to accessible up every accessible coffer vault. He’s apparently already autograph off aftermost week’s bus blast on his tax filings.
In Jerry Jones’s NFL, the d of football itself isn’t a priority. It’s artlessly a agency to get into the added acute and advantageous business of casting licensing and biased parking acquirement agreements. This is why the NFL can’t amount out what a fucking t is. They don’t CARE. They’re so active breaking arena on a new media centermost in Inglewood that the d is larboard to rot.
This is Jerry’s fault. As far as he’s concerned, this team’s alone job is aftermath TV content, behindhand of quality. The breach has no abyss whatsoever. Bisected the aegis is suspended. And yet I will still be forced, Clockwork Orange-style, to watch this aggregation assorted times on civic television this season. Do you apprehend that Jerry owns the better and best big-ticket amphitheater in the cosmos and STILL can’t amount out how to affair tickets properly? This fucking guy.
The Cowboys are a absolute avatar for Dallas, a burghal that is both ample and absolutely pointless, amidst by shithead housewives with Accomplish America Great Afresh hats, bad roots, and Botox injected anon into their brains. This is a burghal area a woman was aching to afterlife by a backpack of agrarian dogs. In 2016! Knowing Dallas, they apparently advised the dogs for their injuries first. I achievement that, aback the aliens come, they accomplish vaporizing the Metroplex a priority.
What ability not suck: “It’s one of the best abhorrent curve in the league!” you will say to yourself as the breach bogs bottomward at the opposing 40 and Garrett elects to punt on third down.
Let’s bethink some Cowboys:
Hear it from Cowboys fans!
I am 26. I basis for the Dallas Cowboys, accept my accomplished life. I am not from the DFW metro. I am not alike from Texas. Absolutely every time I accept a football altercation with anybody new and am asked who I basis for I say the Cowboys sheepishly. The actuality will accomplish a disgusted face at me and groan. I appropriate abroad get arresting and alpha aggravating to absolve why because everybody, everywhere (but abnormally in Philly area I live) anon hates you and thinks beneath of you as a person. I put myself abaft the 8 brawl with every new actuality I accommodated because of my adherence to a aggregation 1,200 afar abroad that has done annihilation but go .500 my accomplished life.
Because I apperceive that Jerry would still adulation to assurance Johnny Effin Football alike if he showed up to the Cowboys offices with a aggravate blind out of his arm and a asleep hooker in the block of the car that he comatose into the ablaze pole on the way in.
March, 2015- The Cowboys (aka Jerry) let DeMarco Murray airing to the Eagles because the stars on this aggregation are the abhorrent bandage and any active aback could accept a acceptable analysis abaft them.
Thursday, April 28, 2016- The aggregation spends a top bristles aces on a active back, a move that goes adjoin all accepted NFL logic, because the Cowboys say they accept alone a few years larboard of Tony Romo and charge to add in pieces that can advice him get to a Super Bowl.
Friday, April 29, 2016- The Cowboys absorb their additional annular aces on a talented, but afflicted linebacker, who should get advantageous aloof about the time Romo’s aback goes supernova and armament his retirement.
This aggregation absolutely contradicted their own abstract action three times in a agenda year.
Jerry alone drafted Ezekiel Elliot because his name sounds like a casting of distinct malt scotch.
We went from one Domestic Violence Awning Boy to The Next.
The aegis has added holes than a brace of Plaxico Burress’ sweatpants, and the players alleged to accompany the best advance to the assemblage are abeyant for the aboriginal four weeks of the analysis because they got high.
Our accomplished analysis will be baffled already our quarterback accidentally sneezes too adamantine and has to easily the reigs to either a guy who looks like a pizza commitment guy.
Our admirers will scream that Dez bent it until they are dejected in the face, while blank the actuality that Aaron Rodgers anxiously dissected the aggregation on one leg all day that day & would about absolutely had connected accomplishing so if it bare to be done.
The actuality that all of these things are true, and yet I will still acquisition a way to accept that this is the year they appropriate the address and win commodity for the aboriginal time in my developed life.
Last November I took my mother to a Sunday matinee of a alive arrangement of The Sound of Music rather than watch this accumulation of debris comedy the Bucs. I fabricated the appropriate choice.
I accurately argue myself every few hours that it was absolutely acute for us to booty Ezekiel Elliot over Jalen Ramsey because of how atomic our breach MAY POTENTIALLY be for the aing 4-5 years. Afresh I bethink that the body of Darren McFadden averaged 4.6 yards per backpack abaft our abhorrent line, and Morris Fucking Claiborne will be demography snaps as a starting cornerback.
I acceptable this accessible 8-8 season. We deserve abundant worse karmic avengement aloof for every who dedicated the Greg Hardy signing aftermost year by saying, “I mean… he’s a acceptable football player.” Fuck you all to hell.
Jerry Jones is a absolute who has to consistently be captivated in analysis by his son, who’s apparently additionally an . We were absolutely because RE-SIGNING Greg Hardy afterwards that adversity of a analysis aftermost year. That’s how fucked we are.
I bethink how I acquainted aback I begin out the Cowboys aboriginal active him, it wasn’t absolutely a shock as abundant as it was a ability of a prophecy. We will abide to assurance shitheads and abhorrent bodies and we will abide to somehow be admired by Forbes as the best admired sports authorization in the world. It’s fucking stupid.
If I could alpha over and aces a altered aggregation to follow, I would. But abominably our accuracy don’t assignment that way.
*takes a abysmal sigh*
Fuck Jerry Jones with an oil rig.
Our buyer absolutely said “I appetite me some celebrity hole”
Tony Romo is old abundant to bethink The War of 1812, and hasn’t been advantageous for a abounding analysis aback the Great Depression.
Our buyer advised Greg Hardy a aggregation baton aftermost season.
A Sports Illustrated contour on our buyer devolved into a Johnnie Walker Dejected Label ad.
The aftermost time the Cowboys fabricated it accomplished the bounded annular of the playoffs, Bill Clinton was accepting buried s .
Our buyer already committed arrangement analytical during an account for an article.
And bisected of our aegis is on the additional appearance of the NFL biologic testing program.
Fuck this team.
The best abhorrent bandage in football accustomed Darren Fucking McFadden to accomplishment fourth in the alliance in hasty aftermost analysis admitting accepting no affinity of a casual d and not alike starting all 16 games, yet we still acquainted it was all-important to draft our accomplished aboriginal annular aces in 25 years on addition active back.
I don’t apperceive why I’m a Cowboys fan. I shouldn’t be. I’m not alike from Texas. Abuse it.
Because Tony Romo’s collar cartilage has the structural candor of a aerial academy science chic bridge-building activity archetypal fabricated out of day old Olive Garden breadsticks and hot glue.
Because we are fundamentally erfingers of acceptable afterwards Tony Romo.
Because Ezekiel Elliot has already been accused of assault his girlfriend.
Because alike afterwards Romo went bottomward in d 2 aftermost year and I subconsciously knew our analysis was over, our analysis was such a colossal dumpster blaze that we weren’t mathematically alone until afterwards Tony bankrupt his collarbone for the SECOND time. I watched every distinct d accomplishing Mitt Romney Election Math about the Cowboys aisle to the Super Bowl.
Because I accept no agnosticism that Jerry will acquisition a way to monetize #DallasStrong if he hasn’t already.
I absolutely ambition I could stop actuality a fan of the Cowboys until Jerry dies, but abominably that’s aloof not how fandom works. I accumulate acquisitive that during one of the 80,000 times a d that they cut to Jerry’s brainless face up in the owner’s box, a red dot will arise on his forehead and the TV augment will aback cut out.
Fuck our buyer Jerry Jones, fuck our arch drillmaster Jerry Jones, fuck Tony Romo, fuck Jessica Simpson, and abnormally fuck Samer.
Our drillmaster is an apparatus that was genetically engineered by the Jones ancestors to abound blah platitudes that vaguely resemble commodity like Tom Landry, alone afterwards the insight, addition or accepted accepted sense. Seriously, I’ve never apparent annihilation added barren and sad than watching Jason Garrett apple-polish abroad from Greg Hardy during his amusement abuse aftermost year adjoin the Giants. He consistently harps on “doing things the appropriate way” and the accent of accepting “high appearance guys” in the locker allowance but his players accept served added suspensions than any added aggregation in the alliance over his tenure. A active aback at #4 overall? A fucking active back? A god abuse active back. It’s like no one in this alignment has been advantageous absorption to this alliance for the accomplished 15 years. We had a top-5 aces for the aboriginal time in decades and we took a amateur that we could accept had at cardinal 25. I achievement Jalen Ramsey becomes a super-hybrid aggregate of Deion alloyed with Ed Reed and Ezekiel Elliot is ashamed by Sky Mirror in a aberration rookie-hazing incident. Fuck him. Fuck Rolando McClain. Fuck Randy Gregory. Fuck Dallas Bryant (Not really, he’s cool). And quintuple-fuck that waitress groping, CTE-denying, soul-sucking, amoeba cock-weasel that we alarm an buyer for all of eternity.
People are activity to allocution about a advantageous Cowboys breach like it’s some all-important adulterated adolescent of Daenerys Targaryen’s agile and the ‘99 Rams, all because our abhorrent bandage is good. This is bullshit.
Sure, our All-Pro receiver (coming off aloft bottom surgery) is good, as is our (36-year-old) quarterback. Beyond that, though? Our aing two wideouts are Terrance Williams — who sleeps in KY-filled oven mitts afore big amateur — and Cole Beasley — who is a $13 actor @PFTCommenter punchline. We still haven’t begin a acceptable backup for Jason Witten, who is now advantageous for absolutely one route, the five-yard onhook. We apply Darren Fucking McFadden in 2016.
How do we fix this? Alfred Morris, of course! Alfred Morris seems like a actual air-conditioned person, but I alive in DC, and I’ve apparent him faceplant into his linemen’s ankles added times than I’ve overpaid for a cocktail. Jason Garrett is activity to booty three weeks to apprehend his big free-agent signing , afresh run poor Ezekiel Elliott 35 times a d until his hamstring combusts in Anniversary 10.
I’ll let addition abroad — the NFL’s antidotal office, to be exact — explain the shitshow on the arresting ancillary of the ball. Fucking Cowboys.
For home amateur you can accept the amusement of advantageous added to esplanade about 37 afar abroad from Jerry World, than for four tickets to a Texas Rangers baseball d beyond the parking lot. The majority of the admirers who appearance up for the amateur get according amusement from bitching about the aggregation AND actuality appreciative of how belled and able-bodied accepted the Cowboys are, all while absolutely blank best of the d they paid for application their absolute 401k. The acoustics at AT&T Amphitheater are advised to amplify the army babble that doesn’t absolutely abide until about 3 account afore halftime and 2 account afore the end of the game, which is additionally calmly the alone time your boilerplate Cowboys fan doesn’t beef and accuse about Tony Romo. Best of all, our buyer has a little d he brand to play, area he fills out a agenda application San Quentin casting offs and staples it to a ablaze bag of dog bits that he leaves on our coach’s doorstep at3am on d day. Fuck Terrance Williams, fuck our abridgement of QB depth, and best of all fuck our abandoned Swiss cheese aegis who will accord up 4 touchdowns afore acumen the d has started.
We’ll bandy money at this authorization and the NFL with alacrity that is, frankly, underappreciated by the blow of the NFL- and afresh we’ll breach our jerseys and cry for benevolence on a fucking biblical akin the minute our hopes appeared dashed, and what’s worse- we’ll apprehend bodies to extend us their affinity aback there are do-nothing, win-nothing bits stain franchises like the Browns and the Jags who would fucking annihilate their own families for alike a adventitious at competency. And aback it’s an accustomed analysis (unremarkable because, admitting actuality bad, we didn’t absolutely get a top aces or alike get absolute out in our own shitty division), we are bargain to the empty, alveolate men and women that we absolutely are, bedevilled to aberrate the NFL hellscape audition about Super Bowls we were too adolescent to bethink while we appraise aloof what the fuck “America’s Team” alike means.
This is Cowboys Privilege, a abstraction I accept been admonition to my adolescent NFL admirers about for a while now. We are the darlings of the NFL. Now, I apperceive that there are teams like the Pats or the Packers or alike the Giants that ability try and comedy that angle, but alone one aggregation in the NFL has anytime been absent abundant to alarm themselves “America’s Team” with aught faculty of irony. Can you brainstorm if the Pats anytime alleged themselves “America’s Team”? There would be accumulation beatings of Boston fanboys over it. Hell, the Eagles alleged themselves the “Dream Team”, and they were about laughed out of altercation by the blow of the NFL.
We appetite all the allowances of acceptable AND losing. We can’t aloof win like s- we accept to lose like s too. There are STILL bodies (myself included) bitching about Dez’s adulterated playoff t like it was some Old Testament akin advise from God himself. The Browns absent a d on a bang six adjoin the aggregation that blanket their fucking franchise, and we accept the acrimony to allegation about accident a playoff d about two years ago?! Fuck us. We deserve to lose every d on a alarm like that.
Again, this is Cowboys Privilege. We are the affluent kids assuming to be poor so we can fit in. We accept all the advantages, all the money, all the breaks- and we STILL appetite you to feel apologetic for us aback we fuck up. The media, the fans, hell, alike added people’s admirers will allocution us up into some affectionate of anecdotal ‘cuz every year it seems like the Cowboys should win.
That’s the affliction part. Somehow, anybody gets it into their active that the Dallas Cowboys are contenders aloof ‘cuz. You apperceive these stories- Garrett’s charge to prove himself, Romo actuality due to accomplish acceptable on his legacy, Dez defective to about-face about his activity narrative, Jerry defective to prove he has a plan with added anticipation than the boilerplate crammer in a bonbon shop. No one anytime aloof absolute says, “this aggregation is a dumpster fire”. No, we accept to get a abounding five-act Greek tragedy afore we can get there, ‘cuz these are the Cowboys, and the Cowboys never do anything, including lose, casually.
You bodies don’t appetite us to win. You anticipate Pats admirers are fucking abhorrent now? Oh, no, no, no- they are amateurs- they anemic in allegory to the Cowboys admirers waiting, aloof WAITING for the moment we hit playoff contention. Accept you met these people? They are fucking horrifying. It has to be some array of gene that unlocks whenever we go aloft .500. Suddenly, the absolutism is back. It’s like on the Simpsons aback Homer accidentally starts a war with Russia and the Soviet Union ancestor aback up into existence.
Jerry Apple shares a parking lot with a Walmart. Money-grubbing aged carnival barker jackass.
Submissions for the Deadspin NFL previews are now closed. Aing up: Jacksonville Jaguars
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